What the Shiz ?
by Ichiko Wind Gryphon
Summary: What would happen if my high school did Wicked for our spring musical? Well, here's what I think. Hilariously stupid, yet entertainingly fun! My first full-out comedy! Rated for minor language.
1. Chapter 1

**I needed to write a comedy for once in my life. I don't think _The Mirror of Gurisa_ really counted for that. So here it is, pure, unadulterated crack-fic humor, about what would happen if my high school did _Wicked_ for our annual spring musical.**

**Some basic re-appearing characters you need to know: (these are based on REAL people!)**

**Me- moi, d'oh.**

**Rachel- my best friend and fellow obsessed musical-freak. Love ya, Rach!**

**Max- Take adolescent Simon from American Idol and you get Max. No joke. I hate his guts, but I gotta admit, he's a GOD.**

**Sean: The guy who gets the leads. ALL THE TIME. But he's good enough to. Kinda cute.**

**Jenna- Fellow _Wicked_ fan and good friend.**

**Laura- Craziest girl I know. One of my other bf's. **

**George- Doesn't know squat about drama. But he's fun to be around.**

**Mr. Mellon- My old physics teacher. BEST. TEACHER. EVER.**

**Mrs. S- Our drama director/teacher. Coolest gal I know, she has taken the drama at our school from lil' kiddie plays to practically Broadway. My idol fo' life.**

**And all the others, you'll get the hang of. If you have any questions about anyone, feel free to ask.**

* * *

(In the school's pitifully small auditorium)

Mrs. S: Students, fellow actors!

Jenna: And actresses!

Mrs. S: (sighs) And actresses, I am pleased to announce next spring's musical! It will beeeee . . .

Me: (Whispering to Rachel): It better be good. Our last show was terrible!

Rachel: (shudders) Don't remind me.

Laura: THE IMAGE!! IT BURNS!!

Me: Laura! Shut up!

Laura: (lowers head sadly) Okays.

Mrs. S: WICKED!!

Me, Laura, and Rachel: (not paying attention) What?

Grace, Jenna, and other Wicked-obsessed-fan-girls: OMG!! HOLY OZ!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!

Sean: ALRIGHT! We get it! Shut up already!!

Max: My ears! They're BLEEDING!!

Mrs. S: QUIET!!

**(Everyone falls silent)**

Mrs. S: Now, the try-outs for Wicked-

Me: (who wasn't paying attention) Holy Shiz, we're doing Wicked?!

Mrs. S: -will be on Friday, immediately after school! That is all!

**(Everyone exits Auditorium)**

Me: Oh, wow!! What a dream come true! I'm gonna try out at once!!

Jess: Um, Sam, you can't.

Me: Holy crap!! Jess!! What are you doing here?! Why aren't you at college?

Jess: I came here so I can squash your dreams of ever becoming an actress.

Me: You came all the way from U of I so you can ruin my dream?! Bitch.

Jess: And anyway, you have a hockey game on Friday.

Me: SCREW HOCKEY! I WANNA SIIIING!

Coach Schwartz: Damn it . . . .

Me: Uh, coach? Why are you here?

Coach Schwartz: I am here to ask you to be on the Varsity team this year.

Me: HELL NO! I'll get killed!!

Jess: I did just fine.

Me: Yeah, now you're a manic-depressant who needed counseling!

Jess: That's only because I wrote song lyrics instead of annotating that ridiculously long book!! The teacher doesn't read the notes! And it's not my fault that all the songs I listen to sound really, really bad when taken out of context!!

Me: Um, yes it is!

Jess: STFU! (goes back to college)

Laura: What just happened?

George: (randomly appearing out of nowhere) Space mines.

Laura: SPACE MINES ARE SPACEY AND GO BOOM!!

Mr. Mellon: THERE IS NO SOUND IN SPACE!! SPACE IS A VACCUUM!!

Me: Ok, where are all these guys coming from?!

Mr. Mellon: My physics senses were tingling. They told me that very soon someone will be breaking the law of gravity.

Me: You have physic senses?! Well, this just keeps on getting weirder and weirder . . .

Grace: Ooh! Ooh! Mr. Mellon! In the next play, someone gets to DEFY GRAVITY!!

Mr. Mellon: I KNEW IT!!

Grace: I bet I'll be Elphaba!

Me: No way! I'm gonna be Elphaba!

Max: (starts to laugh hysterically)

Me: Hey, shut up. I'm not the one who was wearing multiple flower-patterned dresses!!

Max: I only did that because I played Professor Umbridge in Brad's _Harry Potter_ spoof! Besides, I'm not the one who can't get a part, no matter how many plays I try out for!

Me: You bastard.

Katie Kruger and Ashleen Davey: (to Sean) BASTARD!!

Sean: You told me that a least fifty times in _Kiss Me, Kate_! I GET it!

Mrs. S: Would you guys get out of here?! You're crowding up the hallways!

**(Everyone leaves)**

**Friday after school**

Me: OMG OMG OMG!! I'm sooo ready!! I've been listening to the soundtrack nonstop for four days!!

Grace: Oh yeah? I've been listening to the soundtrack since I was BORN!

Sean: Is that even possible?

Me: Of course not. The play didn't even come out until 2003.

Mr. Mellon: My physics senses are tingling again!! Who broke the laws of physics?!

Max: (pointing at Grace) She did.

Mr. Mellon: YOU FAIL!

Grace: I'm not even in your class!

Mr. Mellon: Crap. (sulks away)

Mrs. S: Ok, settle down! Try outs are now in session! (bangs mallet on podium)

Rachel: Mrs. S, could you please be careful with that prop?

Mrs. S: Oh, sorry. Anyway, I have already listened to a few of you already try-out, and I will list those whose rolls are already decided. Max will be Boq . . .

Max: Damn it, I always get the nerd!

Mrs. S: Danny, Will, and Matt will be guards . . .

Matt: Sweet. I get to torture Fiyero!

Danny: Holy crap, I'm in a play!

Mrs. S: Jenna will be playing Nessarose . . . .

Jenna: Oh, damn, I'm not Elphaba.

Mrs. S: And Fiyero will be Sean.

Sean: Fine. So, who do I get to kiss this time?!

Me: Your sarcasm has been noted.

Mrs. S: (to Sean) You'll find out in a minute. All girls trying out for the leads please step up on stage.

(About fifty girls go on stage)

Emily: Oh mah gawd!! I am so totally gonna get the part of Elphie!!

Mrs. S: Emily, get off stage. You can't be Elphaba.

Emily: BUT WHY NOT?!

Me: Because you're too ditzy.

Emily: AM NOT! (stomps off stage, pouting)

Mrs. S: Grace, you're first.

Grace: WEE! Yes! I'm sooooo totally psyched!!

Mrs. S: . . . . .

Grace: Oh, yeah, whoops, sorry. Wrong character. Ahem. I'll get you, and your little dog, too! Ehahaha!! (starts bursting out into fits of giggles.)

Mrs. S: Ok, Grace, you're done.

Grace: WHAT?!

Mrs. S: Sam, you're next.

Me: (inhales deeply, then sings) No good deed goes unpunished!! All helpful urges should be circumvented!! No good deed goes unpunished!! Sure, I meant well, well look at what well meant diiiiiiid!! (Grabs mallet and throws it on floor. It breaks.)

Rachel: HEY! That prop was expensive!!

Me: (ignoring Rachel) ALRIGHT, enough, so be it, so be it then!! Let all Oz be agreed, I'm wicked through and through, since I could not succeed, Sean- er, Fiyero- saving you, I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again, ever again!! No good deed will I doooooooooo AAAAAAGGGGAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII--

**(Two minutes later)**

Me: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!! (faints)

Mrs. S: Holy shiitake mushrooms . . .

Sean: WOW.

Max: (sounding exactly like Simon from American Idol) You are absolutely dreadful. You do not have what it takes to be the next American Idol!

Me: Shut up, you heartless bastard.

Rachel: Lulz! I get it!

George: I don't.

Mrs. S: That was amazing! Alright, I will post the rest of the cast list, and you will all be able to see it first thing Monday morning. You are dismissed.

Me (to Rachel): Sorry about your mallet.

Rachel: I'm gonna go Sweeney Todd on your ass unless I get a new one on Monday!

Me: Ok! (runs off, terrified, to buy a new mallet)

Kyle: Don't you just love verbing words?

Rachel: Hey, why don't you Google "verbing" and see if there's an actual definition for that?

**(Monday morning)**

Me: (bouncing around excitedly) Oooh!! I can't wait! I can't waaaaiiit!!

Rachel: Me, too!! I'm so excited to see who made it!!

Me: AUGH, this day can't possibly pass by fast enough!!

Rachel: At least it's a short-schedule day.

Me: Ah, true.

**(Silence. Max and Jenna burst into the classroom)**

Max: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET OFF MY BACK!!

Jenna: But I can't!! I _looove_ you!!

Max: The play isn't for four months!! YOU DON'T NEED TO BE IN CHARACTER YET!!

Jenna: But I'm not in character!!

**(Awkward sience)**

Me: AWKWARD WHALE!!

Grace: Gay baby.

Rachel: No one says "gay baby" anymore.

Grace: Well, I do! So there!

Katie Schmidt: And "awkward whale" is my thing!

Me: "Awkward turtle" just didn't cover it.

Katie: True.

Max: Oh my god, the drama is killing me. (runs out of room)

Jenna: Waiiiiit! I need to confess my love to youuuuuuu!! (runs after Max)

Max: SOMEONE GET ME A SCALPEL SO I CAN KILL MYSELF!!

**(Everyone remains silent as they watch the drama unfold)**

Me: Well, that was weird.

Rachel: Why can't something like that happen every day?

**(Monday classes end)**

Me: Race ya to the drama hall!

Rachel: Sam, I can't keep up with you! You're like that Marvel hero, Flash!

Me: Actually, the Flash is DC.

Rachel: You nerd.

**TO BE CONTINUED!!**

ME: Wait! What the hell?! You're ending the story right here?! SO NOT FAIR!!

Authoress: Yes, so I can torture you mercilessly!!

Me: But then you're torturing yourself, and self-destruction is a sin-

Authoress: I DON'T CARE!! And since when did you become a theology expert?!

Me: You mean 'When did I become a theology expert.'

Authoress: . . . . I'm confused now . . .

Rachel: Uh . . . I'm just gonna leave before this gets any weirder . . . o.O

**A/N: Yes. I _did_ just talk to myself right there. XD**


	2. The List

**ZOMG, I was so obsessed with "The Fire That Consumes Us All" that I completely forgot about this! D8 **

**I's sorry! But here you go!**

**For character recap, see chap. 1**

**Some other characters:**

**Ashleen: Friend, great singer and actress, played Lily in Kiss Me Kate last year.**

**Jackie: Rachel's cousin and fellow dear friend.**

**Mariam: Drama nerd, like meh, props person, and friend**

**Mr. Parry: Choir teacher, also leads pits.**

**Mike: My brother **

**P.S. And yes, I do despise Harry Potter. After the fourth book the series just got shot to hell. And I'm not forgiving Rowling for killing Lupn. HE WAS MY FAVORITE CHARACTER, DAMMIT!!**

* * *

Me: (Panting) Oh. . . god . . . why does . . . my last class . . . have to be . . . all the way at . . . the freaking other end . . . of the school?!

Rachel: (Panting as well) Almost . . . there!

**Approach drama hall and see a large crowd gathered around the drama bulletin board.**

Me: Hey, Sean! Did Mrs. S put up the list yet?

Sean: Not yet. Not until 3:30, actually.

Me: WHAT?!

Rachel: I can't wait a half-hour!

Max: Oh, would the both of you shut up. I doubt any of you will get parts anyway.

Me: That's cold.

Rachel: I already know I'm not getting a part. I'm da props chief!

Jackie: Gooo props!

Mariam: Yay! Props!

Me: Well, if I don't get a part, I can be in run crew and set construction. That's always fun.

Kyle: I'm in the orchestra!

Mr. Parry: Let's go pit!!

Band Geeks: YAAAY! PIT ROCKS!

Grace: Talk about some bad BO. Ha ha! Get it?! Cause they're pit . . . and pit is like the armpits, and armpits smell . . .

**Silence**

Me: No. Respect the pits.

Mr. Halford: Speaking of which, my pits are screaming like a bugger right now.

Rachel: Thanks for sharing.

Me: What the hell is up with all these random teachers popping up?!

**Trumpet sounds, playing a fanfare. Mrs. S comes down drama hall holding a piece of paper.**

Mrs. S: This be thy holy cast list!! May thou worship it!

Crowd of students: WTF?!

Dino: The Holy Hand Grenade!!

**Crowds start randomly quoting Monty Python.**

Me: Oh! Frank! Remember in _Kiss Me, Kate_?! Sean's like, "Where is Rafael?!" and you're like, "He got the plague, sir!" and then he pops up, and you're like "Well, he got better!"

Frank: Yeah, that was a classic!

Mrs. S: Well, here's the cast list! I want you to know I want only the best for all of you and it was a very difficult decision. I don't want any of you to be disappointed if you didn't get a part. There's always crew.

**Students crowd around the list.**

Me: OMG, it's like a mash pit in here!

Ashleen: Hey, I'm Madame Morrible!

Rachel: Nice! You're perfect for her!

Ashleen: I'm not that mean and abusive!

Dino: (clears throat)

Ashleen: Shut up, or I'll hit you. Hey, Dino, you're the Wizard!!

Matt: That's like the perfect part for you!

Me: Yeah, you get all the cool and nerdy parts!

Grace: Yay! I'm Glinda! Perfect match, since I am so pretty and popular!

Me: Ok, I'll give you that one.

Sean: Ok, now who's Elphaba?

**Everyone stares at the list and the hall goes dead silent.**

Max: Oh, dear God, NO.

Rachel: Ho-ly CRAAAAAP.

Me: NO FREAKING WAY!!

Laura: SAM, OMG! YOU'RE ELPHABA!! You're the lead!!

Me: OMG THIS IS LIKE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!! I'M FINALLY IN A PLAY AND I'M A LEAD!! OMG, THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Dino: Sam, I am your FATHER!!

Me: Ha ha, very funny!

Me: (runs out of hall screaming like a maniac) I'm in a plaaay! I get to play Elphaba!! I'm the Wicked Witch of the West!! YES!! I get to kiss Sean!!

Sean: Why the hell are you looking forward to that?!

Me: I'm not. I'm just stating the obvious. And when we do kiss, you better have some mouthwash on you.

Sean: Oh, I will.

Me: (turns to Ashleen) Is he a good kisser?

Ashleen: PLEASE don't go there, darling, or I'm going to have to hurt you.

Mike: Ok, what the hell is going on now?

Me: OH, Mike!! Guesswhat?! Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhatguesswhat-

Mike: WHAAAAAT?!

Me: I'M ELPHABAAA!!

Mikw: . . . and I should care because . . . ?

Me: I'm the LEAD! I get to defy gravity!!

Mr. Mellon: My physics senses were tingling _again_! What's going on?!

Me: Oh, Mr. Mellon! Guesswhatguesswhatguesswhatguesswhat-

Mr. Mellon: What?

Me: I GOT THE PART OF THE WICKED WITCH!!

Mr. Mellon: And that's a good thing?

Me: YES! 'Cause I get to defy gravity!!

Mr. Mellon: YOU BROKE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS! You fail!!

Me: I'm not in your class anymore.

Mrs. Smith: But I am your physics teacher now!

Me: Where the heck did you come from?!

Mrs. Smith: And since you get to break the laws of physics, you get an automatic F.

Me: WHAT?!

Mrs. Smith: Ha ha, just kidding! No, I won't fail you.

Me: (sighs with relief) Ok, good.

Jess: But Mrs. Mueller will. She's the hardest teacher EVER and you have her! Hahaha!

Me: How the hell are all these people randomly popping up?!

Harrry Potter: I taught them how to Disapparate.

Me: YOU. You sonofabitch, YOU KILLED LUPIN YOU BASTARD!! _YOU_ SHOULD HAVE DIED!!

Harry Potter: I didn't kill Lupin, J.K Rowling did-

Me: (raises hands) Eleka namen namen astum astum eleka namen!!

**Harry Potter blows up.**

Me: Well, that didn't work quite the way I planned. But oh well! Let us rejoice! That bastard Harry Potter is dead!!

Sean: Oh, crap, I am so screwed . . . SAM, IF YOU BLOW ME UP I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!

Max: Oh, god, we're all going to die.

Rachel: (singing) We all deserve to die! Yes! Even you, Mrs. Lovette, even I!

Me: There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with-

Laura: SAM!

Me: Heh, sorry.

Mrs. S: Everyone happy with the results?

Me: Mrs. S!! Thank you so much for casting me as Elphaba! I'll love you forever!! You have no idea how much this means to me!!

Mrs. S: You're very most welcome. I have great confidence in you. You're a hard worker, and I expect you to be on time for all the rehersals.

Me: Don't you worry, Mrs. S! I'll be the most dedicated drama geek ever! I'm going to sing all the songs every day!

Mike: Oh, no . . .

Me: Well, time to go home and share the news with my parents! See you guys tomorrow at rehersals! I can't wait!!

**Me and Mike head out to the car.**

Mike: I swear to God, if you start singing-

Me: Tell then how I am defying gravity! Tell them how I-

Mike: SAM, shut up!

Me: And nobody in all of US, no person that there is or was will ever shut me uuuuuuuuuuup!

Grace: I hope you're happy now!

Mike: She's singing! Stop her!

Me: (singing) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Mike: SHUT UP!!


	3. Rehersals, Part I

**Rachel: I can't believe it! IchikoWindGriffin forgot all about us!!!**

**Me: No! I- uh, I mean she -hadn't!**

**Max: It's been months!!!! What the hell has she been doing?!**

**Me: Uh . . . writing her other fanfics . . . heh heh heh . . .**

**IchikoWindGriffin: Hey guys, I'm back!! How is everyone!**

***Max chucks tomato at Ichiko***

**Max: You ditched us, bitch!!**

**Ichiko: Hey! Shut up! At least I'm here now!! I could have had you guys rotting away forever!**

**Me: You couldn't do that to me!!**

**Laura: Why is everyone so violent?! *sobs***

**Me: Way to go, jerk! You made Laura cry!**

**IchikoWindGriffin: HEY! Everyone just shut up and let's get back to the story!!!**

* * *

Me: MOM! DAD! I'M HOOOOOME! And guess what?!

Dad: You're finally skinny?

Me: What?! No!! I got the lead in our school's musical!! Isn't that wonderful?!?!?

Dad: It's only wonderful if it helps pay for college.

Me: *glowers* Well, this can help me get scholarships to liberal arts schools . . .

Dad: Liberal arts?! HA! Everyone knows that art majors don't get anyone anywhere!

Me: What if I become a famous actress one day?

Dad: You?! An actress?! That's a laugh. You'll only be famous if you're skinny, which you're not, so I'm starting you on another diet. Now go run three miles.

Me: WHAT?!

* * *

**The next day at school**

Me: Well, at least rehersals start today, and I'll be away from home.

Rachel: Another fight with your dad?

Me: More like another incident where my valuable talents go to waste. Sigh . . .

Rachel: Hey, maybe Stevie Schwartz will show up at our performances in person and hire you to be a professional actress!

Max: *laughs insanely*

Me: *chucks tomato at Max's head* That's for throwing a tomato at my split personality, tin can!

George: I still don't get whatever inside joke you guys keep laughing about.

Laura: Don't worry, I don't either.

Rachel: That's cause you guys haven't seen the play.

Mrs. S: Okay, everyone, take your places! I was able to get everyone the scripts, so now we can all start practicing right away. *Hands out scripts* Ok, let's take it from the top! Skip the singing and just read through the lines.

Grace: "Are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? After all, she had a father, who happened to be the Governor of Munchkinland, and a mother, as so many do."

Dan: *singing* How I hate to go-

Mrs. S: I said no singing! And I thought Peter was Frex?

Dan: Peter's sick, so I'm taking over.

Peter: No I'm not. I'm right here.

Dan: Shut up.

Mrs. S: Dan, stop trying to take people over. Peter, no singing.

Peter: So what do I do, just sit here?!

Mrs. S: Yes. Now shut up.

Grace: Umm . . . "After all, it couldn't have been easy" . . . right?

Me: No, you say, "And from the moment she was born, she was, well, different" before that line.

Grace: Oh, right, thanks!

Sean: At this pace, I'll never get on.

Matt: Quit complaining. I don't go on until One Short Day, and my only line is to say "the wizard will see you now!"

Me: Speaking of which-

Laura: Which witch is which witch!!!111one Lololololololololololol!

Everyone: . . . . . what?

Me: Um, anyway, in OSD, are we going to have the giant dancing peanuts of death?

Mrs. S: Oh, god, no. Those things gave me nightmares. No, we'll replace them with tap-dancers.

Maggie: SCORE! Another musical I can show off in!

Mrs. S: Stop getting distracted! Continue!

Grace: Where are we, anyway?

Mrs. S: JUST START AFTER "DEAR OLD SHIZ!!!"

Me: Oh, yay! My part!

Mrs. S: . . . . .

Me: Oh, right . . . "What?! What are you all staring at?!? Ok, let's get this over with. No, I'm not seasick, yes, I've always been green, no, I never ate grass as a child-"

Peter: *snort* Hee hee hee!

Me: Peter, you're supposed to be yelling at me!

Mrs. S: *slaps forehead* This is going to take longer than I thought.

**Several hours later . . .**

Me: "Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to care this much?!"

Sean: "Don't you let anyone else talk?"

Rachel: We've been here four hours and we're only at the Lion Cub scene?!? Whut da crap!!!

Mrs. S: You're right. Sean, Sam, start singing "As Long As You're Mine!"

Sean: WHAT?!

Me: Do we have to . . . kiss?

Mrs. S: Yes. I want you to make love like two jackrabbits in the middle of the desert in heat.

Me and Sean: O___o

Laura: Ohhhh, how kawaii!!!

Max: Someone get a video camera!

Rachel: Oh, I feel bad for both of them.

*Music starts*

Me: Oh shit . . .

Sean: *steps away*

Me: jgkldfjlkfdnvkldfandfb . . .

Sean: Was that supposed to make any sense whatsoever?!

Me: Shut up, I'm nervous. Uh oh, here we go. "Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tiiiiiiiight. I need help believing you're with me tonight . . ."

Max: I do, too.

Me: *ignoring Max* "My wildest dreamings could not forseeeeee lying beside you with you wanting meeeeeeee . . . "

Sean: I don't _want_ to be with you, smart-ass.

Me: You're such a jackass.

Mrs. S: COME ON PEOPLE, GET INTO CHARACTER!!! YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER!! ACT LIKE IT!!

Sean: *growls* Fine. "Maybe I'm brainless, maybe I'm wise, but you've got me seeing through different eyes . . ."

*All the girls swoon*

Sean: "Somehow I've fallen under your spell, and somehow I'm feeling it's up that I fell."

Rachel: *wipes tear from eye* That song is sooooo romantic.

George: It'll be even more romantic when they're not throwing props at each other while singing.

Rachel: Wait, what?!

Me: *throwing plastic flower pot at Sean's head* "And just for this moment, as long as you're mine, I'll wake up my body and make up for lost time . . ."

Sean: *throws wooden cane at me* "Say there's no future for us as a paaaaaiiiiiiir . . ."

Me and Sean: *throwing various objects at each other* "And though I may know I don't caaaaaaaaaare, just for this moment, as long as you're mine, come be how you want to, and see how bright we shine-"

Sean: *is hit dead-on with a random prop and falls over unconcious*

Me: I WIN!! Ha ha ha!

Mrs. S: Sam, wake him up, and stop throwing props at each other. This is getting ridiculous.

Drew: Your mom's face is ridiculous!

Emina: Where the heck did that come from?

Drew: Wait, where did you come from? I thought you were sick.

Emina: I got better.

Drew: Well, no duh.

Me: *looking at Sean* He's out cold.

George: CPR! CPR! CPR!

Me: Oh, god, do I have to?!?!

Mrs. S: You knocked him out, you wake him up.

Me: *leans over and places mouth on his mouth to recesitate Sean. Sean wakes up as their lips come in contact.*

Sean: OH SICK!!! GET OFF! GET OFF!!!

Me: *spitting* Oh, Jesus, you taste like crap!!!

Jesus: No I don't. In fact, my body tastes like unleaven bread.

Me: HOLY CRAP, IT'S JESUS!!!

*Jesus disappears*

Me: Did anyone see that??!?!?

Mrs. S: Oh, come on, it was just some fancy special affects. Ok, we're done for today. Tomorrow, come prepared to sing and dance!

*Everyone gets up to leave*

Me: Hey, uh, Sean . . .

Sean: Let's pretend this never happened, ok?

Me: Sounds like a plan.

Chiron: So when are you going to start working on my story?

Me: As soon as I get home, I'll start writing up the next chapter! Stop being so angsty!

Chiron: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be!!

Rachel: Uh, hey Sam, who's your friend?

Me: Oh, this is Chiron. He's an OC and is the main character in my other fanfic.

Rachel: Hey!

Chiron: Hey.

Rachel: So what's your story?

Chiron: Well, I have a secret power that's revealed when I have a near death experience, and I turn-

Me: DON'T SPOIL IT!!! *looks around* They're listening to us!!

Chiron: *sarcastically* Who is, the CIA?

CIA Agent: Crap, they're on to us!!

Chiron: Oh, by the way, if your acting skills suck and you portray my mom like an idiot, I'll kill you, ok?

Me: O__O Oh, ok . . . heh, no worries . . . ^^;


	4. Set Construction, Part I

Matt: (drumming fingers impatiently on desk) What the hell is taking her so long?!

Me: Don't worry! I'm sure our grand and supreme creator will be here soon!

Max: Brown-noser.

IchikoWindGriffin: (gasping for breath) HEY! I'm here! Whoo! Okay, let's get started!

Max: Where the hell have you been?! Spending more time with your other fanfiction?!

IchikoWindGriffin: Well . . . yes . . .

Rachel: GASP! How could you cheat on us like that?! I thought you loved us!

IchikoWindGriffin: I'm sorry, it's just that I like writing about Chiron getting tortured more!

Chiron: Oh, gee, don't I feel special.

IchikoWindGriffin: Get back to your cage, you mangy gryphon half-breed before I turn you into a slug!

Chiron: I'M NOT A MONSTER! *sobs and runs away*

Jess: Gee, violent enough?

Me: JESS! *glomps*

Andrew: Hey, get off my gilfriend!

Me: ANDREW!!! *GA-LOMPAGE times TEN!*

IchikoWindGriffin: . . . anyway, on with the story . . .

Me: YES! *Ga-lomps IchikoWindGriffin times INFINITY!*

* * *

**Saturday Morning**

Mrs. S: Okay, people! We have a lot of sets to build, so let's get moving!

Lynn: Hey, Sam! I'm gonna be missing you on run crew, since you've actually got a part this year.

Me: I know, I'll miss being backstage with all my run crew buddies, but you'll see me!

Lynn: No duh!

Dan: Ok, I am the chief of set construction! BOW DOWN BEFORE MY MIGHTY SCREWING POWERS!!!

Me: Oh, sick!

Dan: Screw, as in screwdriver. I am the master of the screwdriver. Jeeze Sam, you have a dirty, dirty mind.

Grace: She's not the only one.

Arie: *in a German accent* Ze goose haz laid eets egg, yah?

Kyle: What the crap is that even supposed to mean?!

Arie: I have no clue.

Justine: Hey, Sam?

Me: Yeah, Justine?

Justine: Choffee.

ME: CHOFFEE?!! **CHOFFEE!?!?!?!** _**CHOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!**_

Max: Oh, good God, I'm going to be on stage with _her_?!

Matt: Ha, ha.

Dan: Everyone, SHUT UP. Now, first we're going to build a head.

Grace: Oh, sick.

Dan: THE WIZARD'S HEAD! THE BIG GOLD MECHANICAL THINGY-MABOBIE! Jesus Christ!

Jesus: Did you need something?

Dan: NO! GO TO HELL!

All: DAN!

Mr. S: Dan, come on, shut up and let's get going.

**Everyone is busy building sets**

Me: Hey, Rachel, what color did Mrs. Delaney want this wall again?

Rachel: She wanted it green.

Me: Well, no duh, but what shade of green?

Rachel: What do you mean?

Me: There's billions of shades of green! Did she want emerald green? Forest green? Sea green? Booger green?

Rachel: Ew! No!

Me: Then which kind of green?!

Mrs. Delaney: Corn-stalk green, Sam!

Me: Oh, nice! Wait, do you mean mid-summer corn-stalk green or almost autumn corn stalk green?

Mrs. Delaney: *hands me tub of paint* HERE! Just . . . just use this!

Me: Sweet.

Emily: But I wanted to paint that wall!

Me: Too bad, bitch. Go do something useful.

Emily: Okay! I will entertain you! *starts singing horribly* La laaaaa, la laaaa! You'll be popular!

Sweeney Todd: AUGH! My ears! *razors Emily. Everyone cheers*

Matt: Yaaay! The annoying witch is dead!

Matt, Dino, Max: Ding, dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The annoying bitch! Ding dong, the annoying witch is deeeaaaad!!!

Grace: Let us be grateful! Let us be glad! Let us rejoicify that Mr. Todd could subdue the annoying workings of You-Know-Who!

Lord Voldemort: Who, me?!

Grace: No, not you! No one cares about you!

Lord Voldemort: Oh . . . well, ok then . . . I'll just go away now . . . and cut myself . . . *sniff*

Me: Aww, here, Lord Voldy, have an Oreo! They're magical! Anyone who eats them will automatically cheer up!

Lord Voldemort: Oh, wow, an Oreo! Thanks! Om nom nom nom!

Dr. Octopus: HEY! That was MY Oreo!

Me: Trust me, you really don't need anymore.

Dr. Octopus: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!

Tentacle #1: She does have a point . . .

Tentacle #2: Your body percentage is twenty-three percent.

Dr. Octopus: Stop calling me fat! It's lowering my self-esteem! *sobs*

Me: Oh, I don't think you're fat. I think you're the most awesome super-villain ever!

Dr. Octopus: *sniff* Really?

Me: Really. *hugs Otto and gives him an Oreo, much to the tentacles' demise*

Emily: AWWWW! How kawaii!!!

Dr. Octopus: Why aren't you dead?! IM A FIRIN MAH LAZOR!!! BLAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!

Emily: Ahhh!

Mrs. S: Wow, we are never going to get these sets done . . .

Dr. Octopus: Do not fear! I shall help with the aid of my four robotic tentacles!

Mrs. S: Really?! Thank you! That's too kind!

Dr. Octopus: Don't thank me! Thank the power of Oreo's!

* * *

**Meanwhile, in New York . . .**

Spider-Man: Huh, weird . . . I haven't seen Doc Ock all day.

Mary-Jane: It's quiet . . . _toooooo_ quiet . . . *shifty eyes*

Spider-Man: Really, what's he up to? My spider senses are tingling that there's eminent danger!

Green Goblin: *holding a pumpkin bomb* Wow, that wall-crawler is soooo clueless . . .

* * *

Jess: I can't BELIEVE we're forced to help Sam build these stupid sets for her musical for our engineering assignment!

Andrew: At least we're working on it together.

Jess: *Sigh* You're right. Oh God, I hope she doesn't freak when she sees us-

Me: JESS! ANDREW!! OMAHGOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?! :D

Jess: Crap, she's spazing out.

Andrew: Take cover.

Jess: In answer to your question, we're here to help you build your musical sets for an engineering assignment. So stay away from us, and if we get a bad grade, I'm blaming you and I will cut off your head.

Me: Ok.

Laura: Wow, she's making threats against your life and all you do is say "Ok?"

Me: You get used to it. I hear it all the time.

Paula: I second that!

Laura: I'm not that mean of a big sister! :(

Paula: Oooooh yes you are!

Me: Guys! Come on, let's be nice!

Cosmo: Like corn! Corn is niiiiiiiiiice! Ooh! Philip! Who wants to meet Philip?!

Me: Your nickel?

Cosmo: The _girl_ nickel!!!

Jess: Oh, lord, this is going to be a very long week . . .

Me: So anyway, right now we're building a head.

Andrew: O_O WHAT?!

Jess: The big robotic Wizard head. You know in the Wizard of Oz there was that giant green floating head? Yeah, we're building that.

Andrew: Oh, ok. Whew.

Dr. Octopus: The framework is nearing completion!

Jess: Holy crap, what's he doing here?!

Laura: He agreed to help us after Sam gave him an Oreo!

Andrew: You convinced one of the most evil super villains to help you build musical sets . . . with an Oreo?

Lord Voldemort: Not just any Oreo! A maaaaaaaagic Oreo!

Sweeney Todd: Sir, would you like a shave?

Me: DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!

Jess: I'm going to go build that set now. Come on, Andrew, let's leave Sam with all her freaky friends.

Lord Voldemort, Sweeney Todd and Dr. Octopus: WHO YOU CALLING A FREAK?!

**Many hours later, at lunch**

Dr. Octopus: Chili for lunch?! My favorite! OM NOM NOM NOM!

Tentacle #2: Body fat percentage has just increased to-

Dr. Octopus: Shut the heck up or I'll saw you off my back.

Dan: *holding a chainsaw* Can I help?!

Me: Well, Rachel, how's the set looking so far?

Rachel: Going pretty good, we got the Wizard's head almost done, all Jess and Andrew need to do is wire it up so it can move.

Dino: This is going to be sweet.

Grace: I know, I'm so excited!

Mrs. S: Who the hell invited Sweeney Todd?! And where's Emily?!

Mrss. Lovette: Would you like a nice fresh meat pie?

Me: Well, I hope _that_ answers your question . . .


	5. Censors

Max: *glaring evilly at IchikoWindGriffin* I'M TAKING YOUR ASS TO COURT!!

IchikoWindGriffin: For what?!

Mrs. Smogor: For the neglegence of dozens of minors!

IchikoWindGriffin (who will now be known simply as IWG): . . . Are you kidding me?

Chiron: She does have a point. You've been spending waaaay too much time on my story and have barely touched this one.

IWG: Not you, too!

Angry neglected characters in this story: Wickedness must be puniiiiished! Puniiiiiished!!! Puniiiiished!!!!! BUT GOOOOOOOOOD!!!!

IWG: Oh, come on!

* * *

Sean: . . . hey, uh, Sam . . . ?

Me: Yeah?

Sean: Well, the musical's in a little under a month, and this is a really complicated play and everything . . .

Me: Oh, you're telling me. My voice is getting the most brutal workout ever!

Sean: (laughs) Yeah! Which is why I was thinking . . .

Me: Yes . . . ?

Sean: If maybe you'd like to come over to my house this weekend so we can practice our song together . . .

Me: 8D

Sean: . . . Sam? Are you ok? You look like you're gonna-

Me: *faints*

* * *

Me: *coming to five seconds later* Oh . . . my head . . . what happened?

Sean: You fainted.

Me: And you didn't catch me?! What the hell kind of Prince Charming are you?!

Grace: A very sexy one.

Me: Damn, you're right again!

Grace: I'm always right.

Peter: Alright, now, children, let's all settle down! Mrs. S wants to run through Act 1 today! So if we want to get out of here at a reasonable hour, I suggest we hurry up.

Me: Well said, Murphy.

Jenn: Positions, everyone! Danny D, start the music!

*Dan turns on CD player*

CD player: Let me give you the lo-ow down! I'm crazy for you! When it comes to a sho-ow down, I'm crazy-!

Danny: *switches off CD player* Heh, wrong musical, sorry!

Me: Oh, put the music back on! Frank was doing his sexy dance!

Frank: *blushing* I WAS NOT!

Danny: Ah! Here we go! *turns on CD player*

CD player: *Music from NOMTW*

*People cast as the monkeys start running around on stage, doing all sorts of crazy things. Three step center stage and start tap-dancing.*

Three Monkeys looking for a spotlight: (singing) I'm bidin' my ti-ime! 'Cause that's the kinda guy I am! No regrets, 'cause man, I'm set! Bidin' my time!

Max: Ok, what the hell are you guys doing?

Monkey Numero Uno: We thought we'd do some solo-ing to spice things up!

Max: . . . You guys can't even talk!!!

Monkey Numero Uno: .......Oh, bugger.

Danny: Take it from the top! AND NO SOLO-ING!

*Three Hours Later*

Me: IT'S MEEEEEEEEEEEEE! So if you care to find me, look to the western sky! As someone told me lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly! And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free! For those who try to ground me, take a message back from me! Tell them how I am defying gravity! Tell them how I am defying gravity! And nobody, in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever going to bring me DOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!

Grace: I hope you're happy!

Chorus: Get her, she's wicked!! So we must do good and bring her-

Me: AAHHH!!!

Chorus: DOWN!!!!

*Music stops*

Jess: THANK GOD.

Andrew: I thought they'd never finish!

Me: Ok, get me down off this contraption, please! I'm kinda getting nervous being this high off the stage!

Jess: (in a voice that sounds exactly like the computer HAL) I'm sorry Samantha, but I'm afraid I can't do that.

Me: . . . WHAT?!

Andrew: You see, we only installed the wiring to make the thing go _up_. We never installed the wirings to make it come back down.

Me: ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?!?!?

Jess: I'm afraid not.

Me: THEN GET THE WIRES AND HOOK IT UP!!!!

Andrew: We can't, 'cause we don't know how to do it yet.

Me: PLEASE!!! PLEASE, TELL ME YOU'RE JOKING!!

Dr. Octopus: Never fear! For the price of a single Oreo, I shall get you down!

Me: I'll give you a whole truckload of them!

Doc: DEAL!

Me: Wait!! I take that last bit back! I don't have the money to buy that many Oreo's!!

Doc: Then you leave me no choice. I will not help unless I am rewarded with Oreo's!

Me: FINE! I'll buy you two-no, three!-packs of Oreo's! Double stuffed!!!

Doc: (slowly turns around) Double-stuffed, did you say?

Me: Yes! Now please! Get me down!

*Doc Ock sets up wiring in five seconds and the defying gravity machine lowers me to ground*

Me: Whew! Thank you again!

Doc Ock: Now where's my Oreo's?

Me: Go out to the halls. There should be a whole bowl full of them.

Doc Ock: OUTTA MY WAY!!! OREO'S, HERE I COME!!!!!

Me: Psycho.

Naruto: This show's gonna be amazing! BELIEVE IT!!!

Me: Get the hell out of here, you annoying narcissist bastard.

Asleen and Katie: BASTARD!!!

*EXTREMELY LOUD SIRENS*

Me: What the *censored* is that?!?!

Grace: Wait, why was *censored* censored?!

Jess: What the *censored* is going on here?!

Surgeon General: Fellow students, it has come to my attention that this story has become extremely violent and there is way too much profanity for the public's liking.

Me: No *censored* Sherlock. But have you read my other *censored* stories?! Compared to them, this is *censored* Pretty Ponies.

Surgeon General: And that is why from now on all vulgar words will be censored.

Me: ARE YOU *CENSORED* KIDDING ME?!

Surgeon General: I am afraid not.

Me: This is *censored*

Mrs. S: (bursting in out of nowhere) *Censored* my life!! This show will never *censored* be done in *censored* time!!! THIS IS GOING TO *CENSORED* SUCK!!!!

Everyone: O_O

Sean: This is *censored* up.

Max: We're all going to die.

Mrs. S: (SIGH) Now that I'm done ranting, let's run through Act 2!

Jess: NOW?!

Mrs. S: (sarcastically) No, tomorrow. Yes, now!!

Jess: *Censored* my life!!!! I'm gonna *censored* kill someone!!!!

Andrew: (runs for dear life)

Jess: AND ALL THESE *CENSORED* CENSORS ARE DRIVING ME *CENSORED* NUTS!!!!!!


	6. Rehersals, Part II

IWG: Wow, it has been a while since I've updated, hasn't it?

Max: You can *censored* say that again.

IWG: Hey, no need for swearing. That was uncalled for.

Max: It isn't swearing if it was censored! Besides, I can't take it anymore! You keep forgetting about us and ditching us for _Chiron_!

Chiron: Hey, my story is way more intense than yours and has a much better plot, and she just loves me waaaay more. And besides, we're just getting to the climax.

IWG: Well, not quite. You're thinking about one of the secondary climaxes, coming in chapter 27. The primary climax is more towards the end, and we have a hell of a long way to go before we even get close to the end of your story.

Chiron: *grumbles* Don't remind me.

Rachel: HEY! I thought you were supposed to be writing about _us_!!

IWG: Oh, heh heh, you're right. Let me get right on that.

* * *

Mrs. S: One more week!!! One more week till the show!! You know what that means!

Everyone: TECH WEEK!!

Me: NO MORE DRAMA AFTER THIS!! NO MORE STAYING LATE AT SCHOOL AND STUFFING OUR FACES WTH DELICIOUS SNACKS!!

Mrs. S: That's right! I expect you all to be here every day until the end of the entire rehersal or else I'm pulling you from the show! We are down to the wire! We cannot afford to waste any time whatsoever!

Dan: The sets have been completed!

Jess: Thank god! Can we go home now?

Andrew: We can't util the show's over, because we have to bring back the sets as proof of our work.

Jess: *CENSOR.*

Me: Ok, I have all my lines and songs memorized by heart! I'm good!

Dno: Hey, Sam, we're still kinda iffy on our dance during "Wonderful." Wanna work on that?

Me: Sure.

*Music starts playing and we start waltzing*

Dino: *singing* Shall we dance? Or keep on moping? Shall we dance, and walk on air? Shall we give in to despair? Or dance with ne'er a care?

Me: Wrong song, moron.

Ashley: Hey! Get off my boyfriend!!

Me: I'm sorry, I can't help it if I have to dance with your significant other! *snuggles with Dino*

Ashley: YOU'RE DOING THAT ON PURPOSE!

Me: *still snuggling with Dino in a provocative manner* I don't know what you're talking about.

Ashley: ALRIGHT, THAT IS IT, *CENSORED!*

*Ashley and me start getting into a catfight*

Ms. Mueller: *Whacks IWG over the head with the Grammer Bat*

IWG: OW! What the heck was that for?!

Ms. Mueller: It should be "Ashley and I!!!!" _"Ashley and I!!"_ How many times must we go over this?!

IWG: *growls* Fine, your royal highness.

*Ashley and I start getting into a ferocious catfight*

IWG: Happy?!

Ms. Mueller: Very.

Mrs. S: STOP!! ALL OF YOU, STOP! Just stop!! Stop!!!

Sean: You sound like my mother!

Mrs. S: NOT FUNNY, SEAN.

Mr. Parry: Ok, let's take the whole musical from the top! And a one and a two and a three-!

*Band starts playing. Monkeys run on stage, restraining the urge to burst out into random solos. Giant hat drops down from the flies, operated by Danny. Chorus enters and starts singing*

Danny: YOUR FLY IS DOWN!!!

Me: WOW. Really. _Really_?!

Danny: I can't help myself sometimes.

Me; Whatever you say, Lord of the Flies.

Rachel: LOL!!!!

Chorus: GOOD NEWS! SHE'S DEAD! THE WITCH OF THE WEST IS DEAD! The wickedest witch there ever was, the enemy of all of us here in Oz, is deeeeeeaaaaaad! Good neewwwwws! Gooooood newwwwwwwwwwws!!!!

Matt: LOOK!! IT's a prostitute in a flying bubble!!

Grace: NOT FUNNY, YOU JERK!! Anyway . . . ahem, Let us be grateful! Let us be glad! Let us rejoicify that goodness could subdue the wicked workings of You-Know-Who (and I don't mean Lord Voldemort, you Harry Potter nerds!)

Mrs. S: Grace, you better not actually say that in the performance.

Grace: I won't.

Me: Rejoicify? Who the hell came up with that word?

Laura: The sun is a mass of interstingent gases! The sun is HOT! The sun is NOT a place where we can live!

Me: *stares* Well, ok then . . .

*Three hours later*

Me: You're still beautiful!

Sean: You don't have to lie to me-

Me: It's not lying! It's-- oh the *censored* with it, COME HERE YOU SEXY PILE OF STRAW!!!

*I viciusly grab Sean's collar and plant him a big wet kiss right on the lips and do not let go until my face turns purple from lack of oxygen*

Sean: O________O

Me: Oh . . . . my . . . . GOD!!!!!!! *I plant another kiss right on the mouth. Pit strikes up a song, I start singing* If you want a girl who's sentimental, one who'll never set you in a whirl, one who will always be sweet and gentle, I am not that sort of girl. But if you prefer a rather swift one, one you'll think you have to run around. With the right one, I am just the ri-i-i-ght one! *starts dancing provocatively* Naughty baby, naughy baby, who will tease you?

Drew: Is it just me, or is every guy in the audience getting a boner from watching this?

Danny: *Drooling* Oh mah gawd, the hottest sex song EVAR.

Mrs. S: This . . . this is actually . . . pretty good . . .

Me: *Excitedly* CAN WE DO IT IN THE ACTUAL SHOW?!?!?

Sean: Please, god, no!!!!

Mrs. S: Sorry, Sam, we can't do this for the performance, but how about you guys do this song for the senior showcase?

Me: YESSSSSS!

Sean: Oh, my god, someone kill me . . .

Sweeney Todd: *gripping razors* But of course . . .

Mrs. S: Ok, that's it for today, I've got some notes for you guys!

Kathleen: Ok, Sean, when you swing in after the guards capture Elphaba in the cornfield scene, right before No Good Deed, you know? Try to land on your _feet_, ok?

Sean: Ok, I had _one_ crappy landing!!! SO SUE ME!!!

Jen: And almost broke your neck in the process.

Kathleen: Anyway, guards, try to be more in synch when you're marching. We want you guys to appear very robot-like and all exactly the same, ok?

Matt, Seamus, and Kyle: *all in unison* N'Synch, did you say?! We can do that! *Start singing* You drive me craaaazy!!!!

Kathleen: No! Not that N'Synch! God, no! Ok, moving on. Now, Sam, good work, just make sure you can sustain the notes for just a little longer in those long belts, ok?

Me: Oh, ok! That's good! First time I wasn't criticized! Wee!

Mrs. S: Ok, that's all! Get some rest! In just a few days, it's gonna be SHOWTIME!!!

* * *

A/N: Ah, yes, as you may have noticed, I did have a lot of Crazy For You songs stuck in this chapter because . . . well, I really miss that show. *Sniffle* It was so awesome and amazing and I had such an incredibly wonderful time and I didn't want it to end! The show was spectacular and we had nearly a full house every night!!! I'm being nostalgic.

Max: Well cut it out before you go emo on us.

Author: Shut up.


	7. Opening Night, Part I

IWG: Soooooo. Guys. Hey.

Max: Y'know what, forget you. You keep forgetting about us, and we're striking!

Dan: Yeah, you hate us!

IWG: I DON'T HATE YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!

Emina: Then why are updates so far in between?!

IWG: I have a life-

Max: With _Chiron_, right?! That manslut.

Chiron: SAY THAT TO MY FACE, YOU HEARTLESS *CENSOR*. I DARE YOU.

Max: Manslut.

Fiyero: If you insult my son one more time, I'm gonna rip your throat out!!

Max: Ooooooooooooh. Daddy's boy! Daddy's boy!

Chiron: *CENSOR* YOU!!

IWG: (to readers) Ok, while they're fighting, let's get back to the story.

* * *

Frank: It's another opening for another show!

Rachel: That was two years ago. I thought we moved on from that.

Me: But it fits so well! It's opening night! I'm so excited!

Jackie: Hold still, you're make-up's tricky to put on . . .

Me: Sorry.

Will: (To Kyle) Can you put on my lipstick for me?

Kyle: Sure thing. After I'm done, I'll need your eyeliner.

Will: Ok.

Jess: O____O

Andrew: Proof that Drama makes you gay.

Will: Hey! There's nothing gay about having to wear lipstick and eyeliner!

Kyle: Yeah! If we didn't wear it, the audience couldn't see our features!

Jess: Suuuuuure.

*In the meantime, Danny and Matt are dancing the tango in the hallways*

Mrs. S: WHAT the *censored* are you two doing?!

Danny: Ummmmmm . . . rehearsing for Dancing Through Life . . . ?

Mrs. S: There's no tango during Dancing Through Life!!

Matt: Crap, we're caught!!!!

Danny: RUN!!!!

*They run through glass doors. They shatter like in an epic action movie as they bust across the school grounds*

Mrs. S: I didn't say that was a bad thing . . .

Frank: They'll come back. They always come back *shifty eyes*

Andrew: O_O I don't feel safe here anymore . . .

Me: Anymore?! When did you ever feel safe?

Andrew: Excellent question.

Jess: I hate my life.

Kathleen: Places, everyone, it's time for Senior prayer! As is custom, before every performance, all the seniors get in the middle and say a little something to the entire production team!

Me: Oh, can I go first?!

Kathleen: Ok.

Me: Alright! Everyone, I just want to say thank you for a fabulous year! I love you all so much! I would be lost without drama! You guys are my life and my reason for existing! I don't know what I'll do without you guys!

Everyone: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Jes: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam.

Me: Shut up.

Katie: Ok, my turn! *Pulls out a list four feet long* I have several people I would like to thank! First, Mrs. S for being the most awesome director EVAR!! Second, Arie, you're my BFF fo' life and I will love you forever and we'll always be friends and have the bestest times together and I'm gonna miss you so much and we totally need to hang out before we go and never see each other again because we're going to different colleges-

Rachel: She's never going to shut up, is she?

Katie: -and my mom who's always ben there for me and who gave birth to me and put up with all my crap, thank you so very very much I love you a ton and tons and tons!

MAX: GET ON WITH IT WE DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT!!!

Katie: Fine. I love everyone, amen, happy?!

Max: Yes.

Everyone: *singing together* This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine! Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kyle: GOOOOOOO DRAMA!!!!

Everyone: YAAAAAY!!

*Everyone runs to their positions backstage*

Dan: *over the auditorium speakers* Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Carmel Catholic's production of the hit Broadway musical "Wicked!"

*Audience cheers*

Dan: At this time, I'd like to ask you to please turn off all cell phones and pagers, as they interfere with our sound system. Thank you, and enjoy the show!

Obnoxious guy in audience: But I can't turn off my cellphone! I'm getting an important buisness call!

Dan: *still over speakers* Then it'll be your fault if our mics get damaged and you'll be responsible for replacing each of the $500 mics that are damaged.

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Obnoxious guy in audience: Fine! I'll turn it off.

Dan: Thank you.

*Music starts up. People run on stage, swinging from the ropes and moving around sets with the music*

Me: Hey, are the Monkeys supposed to be that high up without any safety lines?!

Dan: Don't worry, they're trained professionals.

Drew (one of the monkeys): God, am I the only one scared *censor*less being this high up?!

Chris: (another monkey): Nope. I'm petrified.

Matt (yet another monkey): Ok, guys, time to leap ten feet down to the cold, hard, unforgiving stage below!

Drew and Chris: Oh, *censor*

*They leap and miraculously land it.*

Drew: I'm alive!! Oh my god, I'm aliiiiiive!!

Chris: Shut up, you idiot!

Chorus: Good news! She's dead! The Witch of the West is dead! The wickedest witch in all of Oz, the enemy of all of us here in Oz, is deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad! Gooooooood newwwwwwwwwwws! Gooooooood newwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwsss!

Random Chorus dude: LOOOOK! IT'S GLINDAAAAAA! Who's not a prostitute!

Grace: *gritting her teeth* Thank you so much for that introduction. Ahem. Let us be grateful! Let us be glad!--

Billy Mayes: HI I'M BILLY MAYES THAT OBNOXIOUSLY LOUD PITCHMAN! DO YOUR GARBAGE BAGS ALWAYS RIP, LEAVING A MESS EVERYWHERE YOU GO?! WELL DO I HAVE A SOLUTION FOR YOU! DON'T GET MAD! GET GLAD ULTRA-STRENGTH ELASTIC GARBAGE BAGS, GUARANTEED TO BE TEN TIMES MORE DURABLE THAN THE LEADING BRAND!

Everyone: O__O

Mrs. S: What the *censor* is he doing here?!

Dan: We ran out of funding, so we had to get some sponsors to pay for the production costs.

Mrs. S: GLAD GARBAGE BAGS?!?!?!

Dan: It was the only company willing to put up with us!

Mrs. S: We should've got the Sham-wwo guy . . .

Katie: What about Snuggies?!? Those things are awesome!

Me: No! Snuggies are so incredibly stupid! It's a frikin' backwards robe! Nothing special about that whatsoever!

Andy: Hey, Sam, did you know your mic was on the entire time.

Me: Craaaaaaaaaap . .. . . . . . . . .

Audience: O_O

Grace: Um, well, anyway, back to the story-

Billy Mayes: TO ORDER YOUR GLAD GARBAGE BAGS, JUST CALL THIS TOLL FREE NUMBER---

Me: GET HIM, MY EVIL FLYING MONKEY MINIONS!!! FLY, MY PRETTIES!!!!! FLYYYYYYYY!

*Monkeys chase Billy Mayes off stage*

Grace: As you can imagine, life couldn't have been easy.

Chorus: No one mourns Billy Mayes! No one cries he won't return! No one's gonna lay a lily on his grave!!! And goodness knows the pitchman's lives are lonely! Goodness knows the pitchmen die alone! They only reap what they sow!! NO ONE MOURNS THE PITCHMEN!

Grace: GOOD NEWS!

Chorus: NO ONE MOURNS THE PITCHMEN!

Grace: GOOD NEWS!

Chorus: NO ONE MOURNS THE PITCHMEN!! PITCHMEN!! PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!

Chiron: WOW. What the crap was that?!

IWG: This is a parody. It's not supposed to make sense.

Random Person #1: Glinda, is it true you were her friend?

Random Person #2: GASP! Oh, no you didn't!

Grace: Well, it depends what you mean by 'friend.' I did know her, that is, our paths did cross. Several times. In all sorts of suggestive circumstances that certain authors have taken the liberty to label us as a couple, even though it was clearly emphasized our relationship was _clearly_ labeled as a strong friendship, and nothing more, and certainly not a lesbonic romantic one, not that I have anything against lesbians, of course.

Chiron: Damn Gelphie shippers . . .

Random Person #3: Burn them!!

Grace: Well, anyway, we met at school a really long time ago.

Random Person #1: Wow, how old are you?!

Grace: Shut up.

*Music starts for 'Dear Old Shiz'*

Me: *Inhales deeply* Well, here goes everything . . . *Steps on stage into spotlight*

* * *

A/N: Well, anyway, just a quick apology for abandoning this story for so long. But as the reviews said, I need to update this. A LOT more frequently. So please please review!!

Oh, and also please please please please review Cursed Blood, that will make me so insanely happy (Even if the reviews say 'This is really *censored* up and the plot's so stupid and how could you even think of this BURN THE WITCH!!!' I'll still appreciate it because then I'll know people are actually reading it!!!)

Random note: (I mean, really random note) I just watched Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame, and HOLY CRAP I completely forgot how dark, awesome, and powerful that movie is! Frollo is the perfect villain, the music is awesome and the storyline is so deep and incredible! Disney really did have some awesome shiznit, that is, before they effin' fired everyone -_-..

Why are all the movies nowadays so crappy?! Why can't we have the same awesome stuff way back when?!?!? ANGST! REBEL! JUSTICE! TODAY'S TELEVISION IS BLASPHEMY.


	8. Opening Night, Part II

IWG: OMG, did you hear about Billy Mayes?

Max: Yeah, and how he's DEAD?!

Rachel: Ohhhhh, the irony!

IWG: I feel terrible about the last chapter!

Max: He's probably dead because of you! Murderer!

IWG: *SOB!*

Chiron: Ok, stop crying like a bunch of babies and get back to the story so IWG can finish my story!

Rachel: Selfish son of a *censor*

* * *

Me: *Walking around stage. Other Chorus singers faint instantly upon seeing me*

Rachel: I feel bad for poor old Elphie . . .

Kermit: It's not easy being green . . .

Bruce Banner: You can say that again.

Chorus: O hallowed halls and vine-draped walls the proudliest sight there is! When grey and sere our hair hath turned we shall still revere the lessons learned in our days at dear old Shiz! Our days at dear old--

Grace: O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh *gasp, gasp* oooooooooooooooooooooold!

Chorus: Shiz-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!!

*Chorus is attacked by a swarm of bees*

Chorus: AHHHHHHH!!!

Me: That's right, bitches. Don't you go dissin' me!

Bumblebee (from Transformers): What a bee-otch.

Me: (to Chorus) What?! What are you all staring at?!

Chorus person #23: Well, we're not staring at _you_ because we're too busy fighting off this SWARM OF BEES!

Me: Oh . . . .

Bumblebees: Fly, my pretties! FLY!!! *Evil cackle.*

*Swarm of bees fly away, along with Bumblebee*

Chorus person #13: Well ok then.

Peter: Elphaba, I want you to take extra-special superty-duperty care of your baby little sister at college, because I love her so very much, and much more than you.

Me: Um . . . ok?

Jen: *Wheeling on-stage* Daddy!!!!

Peter: Oh, Nessie-wessie! How's my darling little baby angel-wangel?!

Me: Oh god, I think I'm gonna puke.

Peter: Now, I have a present for you! *Pulls out shoes*

Jen: OH MAH GAWD SHOES!!!

Random youtuber: Those shose cost three hundred dollars. Those shoes cost _three hundred dollars_. Those shoes cost **three hundred *censor* dollars**. LET'S GET THEM!!

Me: -___- Ok, bored now . . .

Peter: And Elphaba.

Me: Yes father? Do you have a present for me? *puppy eyes*

Peter: *laughs insanely* Ha! Me, get you a present! That's hysterical! *Shoves shoe box into my arms as he walks off stage, still laughing insanely*

Me: :'(

Jen: Oh Elphaba . . .

Me: Oh, don't worry. What could he have gotten me? I clash with everything!

IWG: Let's skip to Fiyero's entrance because nothing interesting happens. Well, at least, nothing I feel like writing about. Besides, I know I'm just dying to see some sexy hot dude in tight white pants pole dance!

Me: Yes! Let's!

Grace: But I want to sing What is This Feeling!!!

Me: Fine. *Sings* I HATE YOU. There, happy?

Grace: *mutter mutter* No. *mutter mutter*

Me: Don't make me get my flying monkeys!

*I walk across stage and nearly get run over by dude on bicycle*

Me: HEY!!!

Frank: Ma'am! Do you know who this is?!

Me: I don't care who this is!!! *Smacks Sean over the head. Hard*

Sean: What the crap was that for?!

Me: How could you sleep at a time like this?!

Sean: Well, it is daytime. *Gets out and walks over to Frank* Well, see you soon, Avaric! I don't think I'll last any longer than the rest of the schools! *Does funky hand-shake. Frank bikes off-stage*

Me: How can you just go through life and not even notice that you almost ran over me?!

Sean: Well maybe the driver saw green and thought it meant go!

Me: *Smacks Sean across the face. Hard*

Sean: *whispering* That wasn't in the script!!!!

Me: *whispering* I'm in character! *Marches off stage*

Max: MISS GALINDAAAAAAA!

Grace: Oh, crap, here comes creepy stalker Munchkin boy!

Max: I must confess my feelings to you! I adore-

Grace: *Spotting Sean, and squeals* Oh, Biq! Do you know who that is?!

Max: OH my god, you're touching me! I'll never wash this hand as long as I live!!

Crowd: Ewww.

Grace: It's that Winkie Prince with a scandalous reputation!!! *runs over to Sean and tosses hair. Sean "tosses" his hair in response* Looking for something or someone? *Strikes sexy pose*

Sean: *Striking an even sexier pose* Yes, the history building?

Max: It's right over there.

Grace: But that class just ended.

Sean: Perfect timing! So what do you do for fun around here?

Grace: Nothing much. *Strikes a very provocative pose* Until now!

Max: We've been studying!

Sean: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! That's a good one! Studying! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Max: No, seiously!

Sean: *Gasps in horror* Really?!?!? _Studying?!?!?!_ Oh, sweet baby Lurline, I have a lot of work to do, don't I? I see it is once again up to me to corrupt the minds of my fellow classmates. Fortunately, I'm up to the task. *Ahem* You see, the trouble with school is they always try to teach the wrong lessons!

Laura: Do do doooo!

Sean: Believe me, I've been kicked out of enough of them to kno-ow!

Max: Really? How many?

Sean: Shut up. They want you to be less callow, less shallow. But I say why invite stress in? Stop studying strife. *Throws Max's book in garbage bin*

Max: HEY I NEED THAT!

Sean: And learn to live the unexamined liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii*gasp, gasp*iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife! Dancing through life, skimming the surface, gliding where turf is smoo-ooooth! Life's more painless for the brainless!

Me: Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!

Sean: Why think to hard when it's so soothing? Dancing through life no need to tough it when you can sluff it off as I do. Nothing matters but knowing nothing matters!

Me: Nihilist!

Sean: It's just life, so keep dancing through. Dancing through life, swaying and sweeping andd always keeping cool! Life is fraught-less when you're thoughtless. Those who don't try never look foolish. Dancing through life, mindless and careless, make sure you're where less trouble is rife. Woes are fleeting! Blows are glancing when you're dancing through life!!!

*Starts sexy dancing*

Sean: I'm too sexy for mah shirt, too sexy for mah shirt, so sexy it huuuuuurts!!

Me: Is anyone getting seriously turned on watching him dance?

Kyle: *dreamily* Yeah . . .

Me: O.O

* * *

*Meanwhile, IWG is sitting at home, typing away on her laptop. Suddenly, she throws her hands up in disgust*

IWG: Y'know what, screw it. Screw this story. I'm done. I'm bored out of my mind. I am so over this story. We're breaking up.

What the Shiz: WHAT?!? WHY? You can't leave me now!!! It's opening night!!! You're the freaking star!!!

IWG: I know, but I'm just so _bored_! I have bigger and better stories to be working on!

What the Shiz: But, statistically speaking, you get more reviews per chapter for this story than for Cursed Blood!

IWG : I KNOW WHAT THE CRAP IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?!

What the Shiz: But just keep writing for just a teensy-bit more. PLEEEEAAAAAASSSE?

IWG: FINE.

* * *


	9. A Really Long Author's Note

I must apologize in advance for this chapter. It really sucks. There's no singing or dancing or making out. Heck, I don't even talk about the play at all in this chapter. I should have ended this story a long time ago. The whole chapter's pretty much a really long author's note. About how I'm done with this story. The chapter's not even a thousand words.

BUT I'M PLANNING TO WRITE ANOTHER STORY!!! KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN FOR **"SING THE BELLS"!!!** That's the title of my new story I will be starting shortly!

Don't worry, I won't forget about Cursed Blood.

* * *

IWG: Ok, *censor* this story, I have an even better one to write.

Chiron: Mine, right?! *Nudge nudge, wink wink*

IWG: Nope! I'm gonna be starting a NEW STORY!!! Full of drama and action and romance and CHARACTER CONFLICT!!!

Fiyero: *reeeaaaally sarcastically* Oh, wow, that just sounds TOTALLY REVOLUTIONARY and UNIQUE from all your OTHER FREAKIN' STORIES.

IWG: Shut up. And for once, you're not the main character.

Fiyero: I'm not?!? I mean, wait, I was a main character?

IWG: YES YOU IDIOT.

Fiyero: Oh. Cuz in your other stories it seemed like Dorothy and Chiron were the main character.

IWG: A STORY CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE FLIPPIN' MAIN CHARACTER, DUMB*CENSOR*

Anthony: *GASP!* That's not very nice!

Boq: Wait, who the hell are you?

Anthony: I'm Anthony.

Fiyero:BLASPHEMER!!! You're not Hunk!!!

Anthony: Who the hell is Hunk?!

Fiyero and Boq: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?!

IWG: Calm down, dudes, he's a character in my webcomic.

Boq: You have a webcomic?

IWG: Yep! Just go to deviantart dot com, and up in the little search box, just type in "Behind the Emerald Curtain" and some comic pages should appear! My name's the same on deviantart as it is here, just not capitalized. I don't just write stories, y'know.

Vincent: But you do tend to forget about us rejects.

Liiku: Yeah, you suck.

Fiyero: Who are those two?

IWG: Little sparks of my imagination before I scrapped the idea.

Fiyero: But I thought Liiku's a reporter in Cursed Blood?

IWG: He is, but he was going to be a main character. I suddenly woke up with this idea, jotted it down, but never got around to making it a real story. It's kinda stupid to be honest with you.

Fiyero: Try me.

IWG: No, trust me, you really don't want to know.

Readers: Oh, come on, now you're gonna _have_ to tell us!

IWG: *Grumbles* Fine. *Inhale* The story takes place twenty-odd years after the "melting" but Elphie really didn't die, she just went into hiding. She has a son (courtesy the "As Long As You're Mine" scene) Liiku, obviously. But he's born with a disease, and the only way Elphaba can save him was through a very powerful spell that bound his soul with that of a Wolf's, which gives him the power to turn into a Wolf.

Reader: . . . . what?

Pernicia: So it's kinda like Cursed Blood.

IWG: Sort of. Like I said, kinda stupid.

Fiyero: So! Vincent, what's your story?

Vincent: I'm a naga.

Fiyero: A what?

Vincent: Think of a centaur, but instead of horse parts, it's snake.

Fiyero: O__O

Vincent: Cobra, actually.

Readers: Are you going to continue What the Shiz AT ALL?!?!

IWG: Nope. I'm having enough fun typing up this nonsense, thank you very much.

Readers: YOU SUCK.

IWG: Hey. You're lucky I'm even writing this stupid chapter.

Sean: So what happens to us?

IWG: The show's an enormous success, everyone did spectacularly, everyone loves you and totally FREAKED when they found out you were the scarecrow (like I did when I saw the play. I literally started screaming and jumping up and down off my seat, all like OHMAHGODOHMAHGODOHMAGOD He's the scarecrow!!!!)

Sean: Well that was anticlimactic.

IWG: I'm bored.

Jess and Andrew: LET'S START A RIOT!!! A RIOT!!! LET'S START A RIOT!!!!

*All the characters in this story grab torches, pitchforks, and random props and start chasing me. They catch me, and are about to kill me. When suddenly I wake up, at home, in my bed.*

Me: Wow. I havd the CRAZIEST dream of my life.

Jess: If it relates in any way, shape, or form to Wicked, I don't want to hear it.

Me: Fine, you sourpuss.

Jess: Hey, SAm?

Me: Yeah?

Jess: How come whenever I say a swear, it's censored?

Me: O_O

Jess: . . . . well?

Me: Magic?

Jess: -_- *Censor* you. Magic doesn't exist!

Chiron: YES IT DOES NOW TAKE THAT BACK!

Jess: Who the heck are you!?!?!?

Chiron: I am a figment of Sam's imagination!!!

Jess: Then how are you real?!

Chiron: MAGIC!!!!

Jess: Magic doesn't exist!!

Me: Jess, don't try to argue with him, he's a stubborn son of a *censor*.

Chiron: The only reason I'm not killing you for saying that is because I wouldn't exist without you.

Me: You're so sweet.

* * *

**THE END!!**


End file.
